Lita Lettermoon presents... From Our Home Office In Crystal Tokyo: The Top Ten Reasons Why We Don't See Molly and Melvin Anymore 10. Brainwashed by the Negaverse 9. Really Queen Beyrl and Malachite 8. Moved to the United States to become heads of the Sailor Moon Fan Club 7. Really Luna and Artemis 6. Turned into Sailors Neptune and Uranus* 5. Moved to France as Sailor Molly and Tuxedo Melvin to take over for Sailor V 4. Got between Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars fighting 3. Got between Serena and food 2. Got married 1. Dic decided that they weren't good role models, so they edited them out of the rest of the series *The lesbian ones, for those who don't know. Top Ten Reasons Why Luna is a Better Date Than Any of the Sailor Scouts 10. More intelligent dinner conversation. 9. You won't have to wait two hours while she "makes herself pretty". 8. She might actually be interested in your fishing trip in Cousin Earl's new bass boat. 7. At-home entertaining would be cheaper. Priced a can of tuna fish lately? 6. It is highly unlikely that a Negaverse monster would get into a romantic triangle with you two. 5. Artemis knows better than to get jealous, send out bad vibes and thus attract the Negaverse to you all. 4. When dining at a restaurant, she won't: a. Correct your math when figuring the tip, b. Threaten the waiter with bodily harm if he didn't serve you RIGHT NOW, c. Offer to arm-wrestle you for the check, d. Flirt with the busboy, or e. Use the Luna Disguise Pen to transform into a waitress, skip out right after dessert and play video games at the arcade across the street. 3. Three words: Cosmic Moon Catnip! 2. You will NEVER have to worry about a little pink kitten showing up and claiming to be yours and Luna's child from the future. 1. The vice cops won't bust you if she ends up sleeping with you that night. Top Ten New Enemies In The New Sailor Moon Season 10. The evil enemies from another dimension, Shapiro and Cochran, and their race cardians Ito, Kato and the Nega-jury, sworn to conquer the universe for their master, NegaOJ 9. Richard Simmons 8. Regis & Kathie Lee 7. Regis & Kathie Lee AND Richard Simmons, all Sweatin' to the Oldies 6. The cast of Baywatch (not very evil, but fun to watch animated Pamela Lee) 5. My personal enemy and rival host, Jay Luna 4. An omnipotent being who would crush the Scouts in 2.5 seconds, take over the universe, and rule with a cruel iron fist. Also, hamsters with really sharp toothpicks! 3. Everywhere you look: Ninjas! 2. The Queen Formerly Known As Beryl 1. Three words: Bananas In Pajamas Top Ten Signs That You're Obsessed With Sailor Moon 10: You have a video library of all the Sailor Moon tv shows ever made. 9: You sing along to the theme music. 8: You have random flashbacks from your life in the Moon Kingdom. 7: You have ALL the action figures and play with them every day. 6: You act out the transformation scenes whenever they are show. 5: You have wild fantasies about you and one of the characters. 4: You go around talking to stray cats, hoping they'll give YOU cool powers. 3: You're female, and have considered dressing up like a Sailor Scout for no reason. 2: You're male, and have considered dressing up like a Sailor Scout for ANY reason. 1: On behalf of the Moon you have devoted your life to "Righting wrongs and triumphing over evil." Top Ten Similarities between Sailor Moon and Robotech 10. Characters with significant others that were once enemies 9. Both involve people with eyes no smaller than 3/8 of their entire faces 8. Both involve things that transform 7. Both are way the hell better than Power Rangers 6. Both have beaten the shit out of the entire SABAN pantheon 5. An important character dies during each, causing at least one other important character to be depressed for most of the rest of the segment 4. Both deal with death at all 3. In both, the enemies don't pretend to be trying to do anything other than destroy the world 2. Tuxedo Mask is Rick Hunter in disguise 1. The bad guys in both have skin tones not found in nature. Sunblock, anyone!? Top Ten New Plots On Sailor Moon! 10. Serena must babysit Mindy from Animaniacs, and she uses Tuxedo's mask as a diaper! 9. Serena gets assaulted by vision impaired patrons at the all you can eat spaghetti and meatball dinner 8. Courtney Love becomes new arch enemy named Whatasite! but gets killed off when water splashed on her accidently 7. Molly rushed to hospital after Rei scorches her face while trying to make cocoa with "Mars Fire" 6. Serena and the Scouts get ahold of all the rainbow crystals and fight evil Queen Beryl with "Lucky's Magic Rainbow" from Lucky Charms 5. Serena wins a cruise on the Love Boat and thinks Isaac is from the Negaverse because he is on every deck at the same time... 4. Serena meets the newest of the Negaverse's bad guys, who looks suspiciously like Gabe Kaplan and yells "oyy" when he shoots kosher pickle shaped bombs at them 3. Sailor Uranus turns out to be related to the ty-d-bol man! 2. Serena and the Scouts take on Mothra's 2-inch twin girls, and lose! 1. Serena mistakes Tennesee Tuxedo for Tuxedo Mask and kisses the penguin instead! Top Ten Reasons Why Malachite is a Lousy General 10. Comes up with even lamer schemes than Jadite 9. Sailor Scouts make fun of his hair 8. In love with that psycho Zoycite 7. Queen Beryl dumps him for Prince Darian 6. Can't figure out that Sailor Moon is the girl WITH THE PIGTAILS, STOOPID! 5. Gets into hissy fits with Prince Darien 4. Can't even kill Artemis and Luna 3. Worse dresser than Prince Darien, too 2. Trained both Zoycite and Prince Darien to be Negaverse warriors, and look where that got them 1. Gets killed by Sailor Moon, of all people! Top Ten Reasons Why Dic Cancelled Sailor Moon 10. Unable to come up with a reason to explain Sailor Uranus's and Neptune's 'affection' for each other. 9. Tired of moonies asking for the phone numbers and addresses of the voice actors. 8. Tired of moonies asking if the voice actors are single. 7. Just plain tired of moonies. 6. Running out of ideas for the 'Sailor Moon Says' segments. 5. They don't think Kellogg's strawberry pop tarts can support them forever. 4. They've gotten too many letters from school officials complaing about students suggesting that girls should have to wear uniforms to school. 3. They know that they can't cut out ALL of the death scenes coming up in the plot. 2. They're running out of names to call the characters with Japanese names. 1. They're making even more money off the series, now that it's been cancelled. Top Ten New Plots for Season 6 of Sailor Moon in Japan 10. A new enemy appears, but it's not any more powerful than the previous enemy, so none of the senshi (Not even Sailor Moon) have to get power ups. 9. A young girl with a hair style similiar to Usagi's comes and lives with her. Later, it is revealed that she is not related and simply wandered in off of the street. 8. Three new senshi appear. They get along very well with both the inner and outer senshi, and everyone works together. 7. At the same time, three new students appear at Usagi's high school, and they look remarkably similiar to the new senshi. Later on, it is revealed that it is simply a coincidence, and they are not senshi after all. 6. Tuxedo Kamen is kidnapped, but he overpowers his captors and escapes before anyone realizes he's gone. 5. Usagi is replaced by a robot double, but the others realize its an imposter when she makes better grades than Ami. 4. Makoto doesn't fall in love with anyone for even one episode. 3. In an attempt to gain higher ratings, the senshi begin using powerful, giant robots, which can join together to make one huge robot. Unfortunately, Usagi is the pilot and a clutz attack destroys most of Tokyo. 2. The mystery of Tuxedo Kamen's rose supply is solved when he receives a $3 million bill from a Tokyo florist. 1. The enemy isn't searching for a crystal, princess, talisman, mirror, or star seed. They just want a decent cup of coffee. Top Ten Reasons Why Serena and Darien Will Never Get Together 10. After metting Reeny it was a logical decision to break up (that red-eyed freak was just to much for them) 9. He's brainwashed 8. He dumped her 7. He's trying to kill her 6. Serena likes someone else 5. They scare each other 4. Darien likes Luna - remember she is a better date 3. Darien prefers the posessed pshycopathic messiah type chick (Sailor Saturn) 2. Ann and Serena decided to trade 1. They die and just forget Top Ten Places Where Reeny Came From 10. That time Serena was drunk, Darien took advantage of her 9. She's a reject kid from the Barney show (cause shes too miseriable and cranky) 8. Maybe she's an Ewok? 7. The Ninja Turtles' secret lair 6. The Easter Bunny 5. The Smurf village 4. Well, she does have Rei's bitchy personality and Rei and Darien did go out for a while, so... 3. She's the offspring of one of those damn troll dolls 2. A Kinder Surprise. SURPRISE!!! 1. HELL Top Ten Phrases Uttered by Ann in Any Given Episode 10. If the TREE dies, WE die. 9. ALLEN! 8. If the TREE dies, WE die, ALLEN! 7. Darien's MINE, sleaze! 6. OK, so, if the tree dies, then we die ? 5. All I want is to be kissed by my prince and fall in LOVE! 4. Don't forget ALLEN, if the tree dies, we die. 3. Give me your energy! 2. What are those brown things? 1. So, you're saying, if we die, then it could be because the tree died? Top Ten Most Annoying Things About Sailor Moon 10. The fact that DIC's in charge 9. Darien as Tuxedo Mask 8. Darien as himself! 7. Molly's voice (where'd they dig up that crazed accent anyways?) 6. Artemis 5. Serena 4. Reeny 3. DIC's Sailor Says 2. Rainy Day Man 1. The Moonlight Knight Top Ten Reasons why Neptune and Uranus Just Won't Make it in North America 10. Lesbians. (might just give all the millions of 5 year olds that watch the show THE WRONG IDEA.) 9. DIC 8. Don't know whether to give Uranus a man's or a woman's voice 7. Can't decide on which pronunciation of Uranus to use 6. Uranus likes to cross-dress and hit on the other scouts for fun 5. Neptune's too obsessed with girly things like makeup (might just give all those millions of 5 year olds THE WRONG IDEA.) 4. They try to kill the other scouts (Too Violent) 3. They like to rip other peoples hearts out (Too Violent) 2. In Manga #12 Neptune has a baby (What the hell?) 1. Uranus might possibly be a hermaphordite, but I guess we'll never know! Top Ten Scariest Things about Sailor Moon 10. Birdies' outfits 9. Rubiu's girl-type laughter 8. Zoisite as Sailor Moon 7. The exsistance of Reeny (how the hell did she get here anyways? and do we really want to know?) 6. The fact that mature grown up types (like us) watch it 5. Artemis and Luna have a purple kid later (but you're not supposed to know about that yet, sorry!) 4. Haruna's bathing suit 3. Serena and Darien's relationship 2. When Rei talkes to fire without moving her mouth 1. Reeny's red eyes. Hmmmm, maybe she's inbred. Since Serena and Darien lost their memories, who the hell knows! Top Ten Reasons That Mina Has Gone Nuts 10. Has been hanging around Serena toooo long 9. Reeny hypnotised her with that umbrella 8. Artemis 7. Was in love with Sailor Uranus for a day 6. Rei hit her too hard while trying to rid her temple of evil spirits 5. When her heart crystal was removed, part of her brain was too 4. Was in love with the three lights until she learned they were boys and girls (and maybe she thought to hard about if they had to go to the bathroom which side would the 3 lights go into the boys or the girls, tuff, huh?) 3. Too many hits on the head 2. Visited 3 blood moblies in one day (episode #109) 1. Sailor Uranus took advantage of her ;o